What does a strong woman look like?

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The image we have in our head of what a strong woman looks like may not be very accurate. Maybe strength can look different. And maybe we’re stronger than we think.

 

I used to think that I came from a long line of strong women. I actually come from a long line of bossy women. (That’s not to say they’re not also strong.)  What I’ve learned is that what many of us identify as strength is really just dominance.

Can strength look like that sometimes? For sure. But simply being pushy is not what true strength is. I heard Snoop Dogg say recently (yes, I am quoting Snoop Dogg) that “a lot of times when we wanna be a boss…we too bossy.” 

Preach it, Snoop.

Being bossy or assertive or dominant…those things are more about personality than strength. Real strength shows up in far more subtle ways.

 

Now beside the cross of Jesus stood His mother 

As a young lady, Mary was handed an unheard of task that she took on in faith. But I think where we truly see her strength on display is at the cross.

Now beside the cross of Jesus stood His mother

Have you seen Steel Magnolias? Spoiler alert if you haven’t (do we need to give spoiler alerts on movies that came out in 1989?) And also if you haven’t, schedule a girls’ movie night asap!  In Sally Field’s beautiful monologue at the end, she says 

I realize as a woman how lucky I am. I was there when that wonderful creature drifted into my life and I was there when she drifted out. It was the most precious moment of my life.

Strength doesn’t leave in the pain. Strength comforts. Only a strong person can continue to nurture another when everything inside you wants to hide. Sometimes, simply being there is the strongest thing a woman can do.

Other times, strength looks like pounding a spike through someone’s skull.

I have a  t-shirt with this image ^^ It’s one of my favorites.  My husband likes it when I am discerning about where I wear it.  🙂

Do you know who Jael was? Like Mary, we don’t know what Jael’s personality was like. But what we do know is that she was in her home, minding her own business, when she saw the opportunity to save the nation of Israel by taking out the man who was trying to destroy them.

So she gave him warm milk to soothe him to sleep then pounded a tent peg through his skull.

Jael was included in a song sung to honor the warriors who brought victory to God’s people.

Her strength was bold and decisive. It looked like bravery, acting quickly and strategically, and certainly physical strength too. 

 

Maybe I just wouldn’t know what to do with my strength anyway.

The great Pat Benatar said that. 

I was talking recently with a new student at the karate studio where I work, asking what he liked about the classes. He said, “I like hitting and kicking the pads because kids at school call me weak, and it makes me feel strong.”

I understand that feeling. Deeply.

We all have natural areas of strength, but growing in strength often means leaning into things that make us uncomfortable, things that don’t come naturally.

I had someone tell me once that I didn’t need to be strong – that pursuing strength was a waste of my time.  Recently, another person told me that she always thought I was strong, but didn’t think I was acting like a strong woman should. I wasn’t being bold enough. 

Both of those things were hurtful and insulting and made me feel sad and angry. But they also prompted me to think about what strength really is and looks like.

Here’s what I’ve learned:

1. Pursuing and growing in strength feels good, and it affects how we see the world as much as how we see ourselves.
2. Strong women show their strength as much through being gentle and considerate and joyful as through being bold and assertive and in control. 
3. If you’re thinking about commenting critically on someone’s strength, or how they show it… err on the side of MYOB.

A wise and beautiful friend modeled confident strength not long ago when I watched her both speak firmly and directly, and quietly determine that some people just don’t deserve a seat at her table. She carried herself with such assurance that it was obvious that both actions were done intentionally, they weren’t merely reactions.

She made me think: Maybe true strength is really more about what’s going on inside of me rather than what actions I take.

Jordan Peterson talks about being dangerous but disciplined. That kind of competent but controlled strength is intentional, it’s developed, it’s not a personality type.

And that is great news, because it means that you can grow in strength. Physical strength. Emotional strength. Spiritual strength. Relational strength.

No matter where you’re starting from, you can get stronger.

That might look like learning to throw a punch or taking a walk, signing up for a dance or yoga class, or talking to your doctor.

Maybe you’ll start thinking about your feelings instead of avoiding them, make an appointment with a therapist, or try journaling to process what’s going on inside you. 

You could lean into your faith in a new way, pray, read God’s word, get out of yourself and help someone else.

It might look like being quiet even when you know you’re right, or it might be having a conversation you’d rather not have, or it could be as simple as putting on some red nail polish to remind yourself that you are a force.

Getting stronger can often involve doing something that feels impossible, doing it through the fear. Chances are, though, that the area that sounds the cringiest, the most uncomfortable, the most impossible… that’s an area you need to become stronger in. Lean in to it!

Strength shows up in a million different ways. And I think it grows slowly in almost unnoticeable changes, until one day…you realize you feel stronger.

Instead of just trying to be like some image you have of what strength looks like, ask yourself…

Am I acting like a boss, or am I just being bossy?

 

 

P. S.  I don’t recommend putting spikes through heads…unless the murderous leader of an enemy nation wanders up to your door and asks to hide in your house, in that case….