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Did you see the article going around recently about parenting teens? It implored parents to stop doing things for their teen in order to grow independence and maturity. Maybe you even shared or ‘liked’ it. It made some valid points.
But it also kind of broke my heart.
Don’t wake your kids up. Don’t pack their lunch. Don’t bring them things they’ve forgotten or fill out paperwork for them. Don’t ‘meddle’ in their academics.
Here’s the thing, parents… as our sweet babies grow into smelly, sassy teens, we do need to change the way we parent. We need to be intentional about developing that independence and maturity. And that can mean hard lessons, consequences, and ‘tough love’. But there are a few major problems I see with advising parents to stop doing these things for their kids altogether.
First, it’s mean.
How unkind does a person have to be when their usually responsible teen forgets something at home to say, “Nope, you’re on your own.” As our kids grow into teens, instead of completely cutting them off from the human kindness of helping one another, how about we start treating them more like adults?
If a friend of mine forgot something, I’d bring it to her. If she forgot something every single day, maybe not so much. I take pleasure in preparing my husband’s lunch for him. It’s a way for me to show love to him. Is he capable of preparing a meal for himself? Of course. My kids are, too.
Because I’ve taught them how.
Why would we punish instead of instructing?
Parents, it’s our job to teach our kids life skills. And to be fair, the original article does address that briefly. I’m all for kids learning to do their own laundry (well before the teen years, as a matter of fact) and taking ownership of filling out paperwork for their activities and such.
What I’d like us to keep in mind, though, is that our teens don’t lose their ‘future responsible adult’ card because they needed help.
We help when help is needed…because that’s what decent people do.
Apprenticing Into Adulthood
As with every single other area of parenting from how we got them to sleep as babies, to discipline to eating habits…when we think about parenting teens, we need to act with respect to the ‘bent’ of our child.
The people declaring a list of “8 things you should never do for your teen” remind me of the ones who tell parents of newborns that “you must do A-B-C to get your child to sleep through the night or his life will be ruined forever.” Bah! Anyone with more than one child can attest to the fact that babies are different. Are there various methods that parents can try to get junior to sleep? Absolutely! Is there one method that will ensure success for every baby? If you say so you are a giant liar.
I learned as an adult that my mom used to pack my sister’s suitcase for summer camp. What?! I was Miss Independent and would have bucked at the idea of such an intrusion. And guess what? Amazingly, both my sister and I are mature, responsible adults. Now that I’m parenting teens myself, I find that my boys respond to differing levels of my involvement. To prescribe one method of leading our kids to independence is nothing more than ridiculous.
Telling parents not to ‘meddle’ in their kids’ academics is the worst advice ever.
Seriously, that might be the worst advice I’ve ever heard.
I get that as a homeschool parent, I’m kind of the poster child for parental academic meddling. But I stand with my mouth agape, shaking my head and pulling my hair out at the thought of any Christian parent conceding to hand their child completely over to the morally corrupt academic wasteland that is our education system.
You are not discussing with your kids what they’re being taught?! Please, go ahead and declare defeat. You lose. Or, I should say, your kids lose.
High school and college are the prime times during which young people are leaving their faith. And it is expressly because parents and churches have not prepared them. We prepare them by talking to them about what they are learning–not by assuming that when push comes to shove their faith is secure, crossing our fingers that they’ll be ok. Preparation to defend their faith means teaching them how to respond to the attacks that are coming against it. How can we do this if we are unaware of the attacks even happening?
Christian parents may wrongly assume that because their child was raised in a godly home and attended church his whole life, he will maintain his faith in college. Wake up! Your child will be faced with an unprecedented level of attacks on the beliefs that you’ve tried to instill. It is not, as the article claims, “over-parenting” or “over involved” to take this threat seriously. On the contrary, I believe that we will be held accountable for our lack of shepherding our kids in the ways of truth and a Biblical worldview.
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The body of Christ
Scripture is clear that as a body of Christ, we support one another. What kind of jerk parent would I be if I didn’t even treat my own children with the same courtesy and kindness that I would any other brother or sister of the faith? If that makes me an over-parenting, over involved, helicopter mom…I will wear that badge with pride.
Hear me…there’s room here for natural consequences and hard lessons and backing away so teens can grow in responsibility. But just as the author of the original article begins with a plea that others not judge her for for holding her kids accountable for their choices, I would entreat her to not draw a line in the sand and paint anyone who parents differently as over involved immaturity enablers.
Clearly, balance is in order here. But isn’t that what every stage of parenting requires?
The teen years are no time for lazy parenting. They may be less physically demanding than toddlerhood, but parenting teens -parenting teens well– requires the emotional fortitude of a champion.
Instead of dictating which things parents should and shouldn’t do for their teens, can we simply agree that parenting teens must be intentional?
Tracy Z says
June 5, 2017 at 8:34 amGreat article Susan! Amen! Doing things for your children is showing them LOVE. You can also discipline them and give them things to be responsible for. It is not one or the other! Well spoken!
Susan says
June 5, 2017 at 10:18 amThanks, Tracy. I think it’s human nature to react against things. My guess is the original author is reacting against the trend for kids to remain ‘kids’ into their thirties, partially because their parents have allowed it. Totally get that reaction! But like I said, we need to focus on balance and you’re right–it doesn’t have to be one or the other.
Jerusha Agen says
June 5, 2017 at 1:15 pmTerrific and vital points, Susan! I thought from the title of your article that I might disagree with you, since I’ve witnessed the negative consequences of enabling parenting–parents who over-protect teens from consequences to bad choices. But I totally agree with the balance that you describe here. The teenage years should be about parents teaching their kids how to be adults and beginning to treat them as such as they’re ready. Thanks for this article!
Jerusha Agen recently posted…Special Fears: 6 Truths to Defeat Your Parenting Worries
Susan says
June 5, 2017 at 4:38 pmThank you, Jerusha. Funny, because when I read the original article, I thought I would agree with her, and ended up not. 🙂 I am totally on board with your observations. It’s sad to see parents siding with their kids over teachers to get them out of consequences, and fostering an atmosphere that allows them to remain immature well into adulthood. But as I read the piece, my heart just started aching.
And you know, I think that both problems (the child-first attitude and the ‘let them figure it out on their own’ mentality) stem from the same root: disregard of authority. The child-first thinking sees the child as equal and therefore how dare parents assume superior wisdom; and the ‘back off’ theory likewise assumes that the teen will be able to figure it all out on their own. We’ve removed the need to take advice or submit to authority.
Wanda says
June 5, 2017 at 1:57 pmWhen my homeschooled boy went to Grade 9 this year I had a really hard time NOT hounding him every day to see what work he’s doing. I can’t imagine totally leaving him to it and not being involved.
When they leave the house and are on their own, I’m sure I’m still going to want to be involved in their lives (to a lesser degree, but still…) It’s called being a PARENT!
Susan says
June 5, 2017 at 4:27 pmAmen! It’s a transition to be sure. As with so much in life, and certainly parenting, we need to work to be intentional in it. It makes me sad when I see parents work so diligently to raise godly kids, and then essentially throw them to the wolves because they’ve “grown up”. While our kids won’t always be under our authority, they should always have our guidance.
Mother of 3 says
June 7, 2017 at 5:27 amGreat article and so true! I do look for that balance between helping them and teaching them to do for themselves.
Mother of 3 recently posted…Homeschooling Through the Alphabet: U is for Unexpected
Susan says
June 7, 2017 at 10:39 amYes! Balance. And I’ve found that it doesn’t happen unless we’re intentional, because we tend to lean one way or the other naturally.
HOlly says
June 14, 2017 at 8:43 amThank you so much for this! I agree with you 100%. There is nothing wrong with showing our children grace.
Susan says
June 14, 2017 at 10:37 amIt is grace, isn’t it, that we’re showing. That reminds me of the verse that says that Jesus came with ‘truth and grace’. Finding that balance in parenting can be tough, but we keep at it.
Julie Hoag says
June 16, 2017 at 10:46 amYou are SO right! Teens are still kids and if making my teen son a meal and serving him is seen as bad, that makes zero sense to me. I think those parents who are saying teens are all on their own need to evaluate their role as parents again. Besides, wasn’t Jesus himself one who would serve?? We should serve one another. We need to guide kids, even teens, not abandon them. Plus, as an adult I still get help from family and friends, why shouldn’t teens get help?? Simply ridiculous. Love your post so much!!!!
Julie Hoag recently posted…Rutabaga Potato Salad
Susan says
June 16, 2017 at 11:29 amThanks, Julie. I agree with everything you said. Certainly we need to encourage growth and maturity, but like you said, I’m an adult and I still receive help!
Elissa says
June 19, 2017 at 8:01 amThis was really helpful. I have teens myself and can attest to the fact that they still need a little help sometimes as they grow into independence.
Elissa recently posted…10 tasty dishes to make with leftovers
Susan says
June 22, 2017 at 4:38 pmThanks, Elissa. That’s been my experience, too.
Karen says
June 22, 2017 at 10:39 amThanks. I needed this. I have a 17 yr old and this brought home to me truths. Bless you.
Susan says
June 22, 2017 at 4:29 pmKaren, I’m so glad you were encouraged! Good parenting needs to be intentional, but that doesn’t mean it looks the same for everyone. All of God’s best to you–
Anne says
June 24, 2017 at 9:37 amI have 4 teens right now, and I’m learning the hard way that I need to be as kind to them as I would like them to be to me. If I call home for help with something, will they help me? It depends on if I’ve modeled being helpful. If I call on the teens to work together on a family project, will they do so? It depends on if I’ve modeled working together. I’ve tried the hands-off approach, but it models selfishness, not independence. I’ve been coming around to how much our teens need us to keep modeling Christ-like behaviors, so that they will know Him through us and choose Him as their exemplar.
Susan says
June 24, 2017 at 10:15 amWhat a lovely way to describe exactly what I was getting at! Thank you! You really hit the nail on the head.
Stephanie says
July 10, 2017 at 3:30 pmGreat article and I totally agree. Just because they are a little older and don’t need you to hold their hands for every little thing, teens still need and want that feeling of being nurtured and cared for. Parenting shouldn’t cease at the teenage years, they still need help maneuvering through this crucial part life and responsibilities.
Susan says
July 10, 2017 at 10:03 pmThanks, Stephanie. I like the way that you worded that…maneuvering through. That’s exactly it!
Gwen Thielges says
May 1, 2019 at 11:32 amYes, yes! Totally agree – it’s a balance. Our kids need to know they will receive grace from their parents. Thanks for this post!
Ayanna says
May 1, 2019 at 6:03 pmThis is so good and right on time. I have tween and trying to find the balance between independence and still being there.
Ayanna recently posted…Boundaries With The Opposite Sex In Marriage From Husband’s View
Susan says
May 1, 2019 at 9:15 pmIt is a hard line to walk, but so worth it to try! May God give you wisdom and a sense of humor! 🙂
DONNA MILLER says
May 3, 2019 at 8:19 amParent differently … I love that. I feel the same in that it breaks my heart to stop helping our kids. That is mean spirited. I love all your tips here. Awesome post Susan! ❤