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When you’re looking for closure, is it possible to heal without having your questions answered; and are there times when it’s better to pass on the chance to ask them even if it comes?
If you had the chance to seek closure about a difficult situation from your past, is there anything that would cause you to pass it up?
I’m not sure where this idea of ‘closure’ even came from. Is it just a cop-out to avoid dealing with hurt, to escape taking responsibility for our own healing? Or could it be that, deep down, we just want to know why.
Why did you do it? Did you even know all that I went through? Do you care?
When our life falls apart, when we walk through the darkest valley, there is something within us that wants someone to see the fallout of their actions. And more than that, we want to know that our hurt matters to them.
Lots of things prevent us from experiencing this illusive closure that we’re looking for. People go away, they die, contact is lost. In these cases, it may be physically impossible to ever have a conversation with someone to ask them the questions that we think will satisfy us.
Other times, even when we’re given the possibility of closure, the smart thing to do is to walk on by. Some relationships are best left in the past.
The truth is that in both cases–whether closure is impossible or just not wise– the answer is the same…God is enough.
I am not saying that your hurt isn’t real, or deep, or even crushing. What I’m saying is that the longer you allow yourself to dwell on it, waiting for someone else to give you permission to move on, the longer you are not living God’s best for you.
Let me tell you something about my past.
Through some really bad choices by me and other people in my life, I ended up paying some pretty large consequences. God’s grace is so real to me, I feel like I literally am walking around clothed in it every single day.
My healing had to come without closure, on a lot of fronts. And at the time I thought I needed it to fully heal. What I found, though, was that God is enough. He’s enough to move forward. Enough to get past the hurt. Enough to be whole.
Having people in your life who remind you of that and walk with you can make all the difference. Friends, that’s why our tagline here at The Sparrow’s Home is what it is. Life is hard. God is good. And we so very much need each other.
Looking for Closure
So back to my original question: If you had the chance to seek closure about a difficult situation from your past, is there anything that would cause you to pass it up?
You see, I had an opportunity recently and I did let it pass. Did I spend the rest of the day with my stomach in knots thinking of all the things I wish I could have said and wondering, why now after all this time? Yes, I did. Did I throw up a few times? Maybe.
But despite second-guessing myself, I know that I made the best choice. I did take my thoughts and write out a response that I would have liked to have given, just for my own peace of mind. You might be surprised how healing that is. To say the things…ask the things…
And doing that also reminded me that I didn’t need answers to get to the place that God has already brought me, and without this recent reminder I wouldn’t have been looking for them now.
Answers are not guaranteed even if you ask for them, you know. Answers that change anything are really not guaranteed.
You may want to tell someone you wish you had made different choices and ask for their forgiveness. Maybe you want to say that you forgave them long ago, and really do wish the best for them. You could be wondering if they hurt you on purpose, or if you were merely collateral damage. Or maybe you just want to know if they knew about your pain, your life crumbling because of them. And more than knowing, did they care…then or now. Maybe it is all of those things.
Sigh…so we never get to say these things to someone.
God is enough.
Never get to ask them why.
God is enough.
I promise you it’s true even when it doesn’t feel true….God is enough.
If you are looking for closure, I hope that truth sinks in today.
Blessings–
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Wonderfully said. I do want to add, though, that asking for forgiveness, if feasible, from the other person, whether they did the wrong, or you did the wrong, or you both were wrong, is also very freeing for the soul. I was able, by the grace of God, after a miserable 1st marriage, and faults of both of ours, to ask my ex-husband for forgiveness for the hurt I caused him. He was shocked (he is also not a Christian), and didn’t quite know what to say. He said but we’re both happy now, right? I said yes, absolutely, but I need to ask forgiveness from you for the hurt that I caused you to suffer at the time. He forgave me, and then asked for forgiveness from me, too. God is good. All the time. And His grace is sufficient for me. For all of us.
What a wonderful story. Yes! Asking for forgiveness is freeing in ways that we often underestimate.
Terrific post, Susan! So much truth packed into here amid raw emotion and pain. I love how you remind us that even in our darkest places, God is good and He is enough. I also appreciate, from the subtle hints about your past, the reminder that God can redeem people out of terrible mistakes and damage and pain. Someone I love may be headed down a dangerous and tragic path and there seems to be no stopping the damage before it occurs, though I’m praying it will be prevented. But in the meantime, I cling to the knowledge that God will ultimately bring good out of whatever happens and that He may even bring my loved one to love and serve Him one day, after all. Thanks, Susan!
I’m convinced that no matter what the desire of our heart (even if it seems to contradict God’s word or will), He has an answer that will bring us the love, joy, peace…whatever, that we’re seeking. Sadly, we so often have our minds set that we ‘know’ what we need and we miss what He’s pointing us to. Praying for your loved one that they see the bridges that God is offering and takes them. Praying for you, too. Watching people we love make terrible choices is incredibly hard. <3
Thank you so much for your prayers, Susan. I so appreciate them!
Sometimes it is God who offers to “close” the situation by redeeming it in His grace. Making victims bloom and thrive, making sinners whole and useful in His Kingdom. I hope that even though you passed up the opportunity to get “closure” with this person from the past, you live in the truth that God has closed sin, shame and guilty up in the cross and you are free!
Amen! What a lovely picture of grace. Thank you for your words, Helene, they are important ones for all of us to take to heart.
Love~
Such a great post! So much truth and grace in your words and messages! I think this message is very needed because literally, everybody has passed through a hurtful situation looking for closure. I am struggling with a similar situation for nearly a year trying to process and recover from an unexpected and unexplainable break-up with a woman who has been one of my best friends and sister in Christ for more than 20 years. And in this process, God led me to the same truths you are sharing. I don’t need the answers, I need Him. And I am completely determined to move on and live the life He has for me, and be joyful.
Praise God! It is definitely a process that will not happen overnight. A difficult process. But so totally worth it!!
Thanks for sharing these thoughts and your heart. It’s very hard to be heavenly minded when seeking closure on earthly matters. Thanks for the reminders to keep focused on God!
Yes, God is enough! Thank you for sharing.
I’ve always thought “closure” is sometimes an odd thing, depending on how people refer to it. I think that sometimes it is better to let things go. In the case of broken relationships, I would want to know why it ended. I have (or had) a childhood friend who will no longer communicate with me. She suddenly stopped. I sent her two messages to ask her what I had done to cause our lifelong friendship to end. She wouldn’t answer. My heart ached for an answer, but after she didn’t respond to the second message, I had to leave it with the Lord and let it go. I have absolutely no idea what happened, but God knows and He knows what to do about it. Unless she contacts me in the future to talk about it, I’ll never know. I’ll never have closure in this case. Knowing that God is enough will have to be enough for me.
That’s a perfect example. And you know, I think situations like this happen far more often than any that get tied up in a pretty bow. Thanks for sharing your story. Friendship lost is painful, but when it happens like that, with no answers, it’s especially difficult. Blessings–
Thank you for sharing this inspiring post. We may second guess ourselves, make bad choices, and hang out with questionable associates, but you are so right, God is enough. He is waiting for us always.
He definitely is! It makes me sad to think how many times he waits for me while I’m off trying everything else to ‘fix’ my problems. What a good God he is!