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My eldest son really enjoys a good pun. On a road trip with his cousin, he found lists of puns to read to help keep her awake while she drove. I think what really kept her awake was the shaking of her head as she begged him to stop.
This one’s for all of the pun lovers out there.
100 Best Puns Ever
1- Herb gardeners who work extra get thyme and a half.
2- What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business.
3- Becoming a vegetarian is a big missed steak.
4- “I hate tacos!” (Said no Juan ever).
5- I met a man whose eyes were covered in ketchup. His Heinz sight was 20/20.
6- This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’ve never met herbivore.
7- Need an ark? I Noah guy.
8- How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.
9- Boaz was Ruthless before he married.
10- At what time of day was Adam created? A little before Eve.
11- Simba was walking too slowly. So I told him to Mufasa.
12- Gaston: Winner of the No Belle Prize.
13- Why is Peter Pan always flying? He Neverlands.
14- Which Disney princess is a cow’s favorite? Mulan.
For the Literature Fan
15- Last night, I kept dreaming that I had written Lord of the Rings. My wife said I’d been Tolkien in my sleep.
16- What are you doing in that wardrobe? It’s Narnia business.
17- Who is Jay Gatsby’s favorite superhero? The Green Lantern.
18- Dorian Gray jokes never get old.
All About Animals
19- Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.
20- What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
21- What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? “Bison.”
22- What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain.
23- What did the mama cow say to the baby cow? “It’s pasture bedtime.”
24- If you can think of a better fish pun…let minnow.
25- How do you organize a space party? You planet.
26- I love the way the earth rotates. It really makes my day.
27- Be like a proton. Stay positive.
28- Why can you never trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
29- I make horrible science puns. But only periodically.
Making Math Funny
30- Parallel lines have so much in common, it’s a shame they’ll never meet.
31- You know what’s odd? Every other number.
32- I’m going to this year’s Fibonacci convention It’ll be as big as the last two years put together.
33- I like angles…to a degree.
34- There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. (Only a fraction of people get that joke.)
35- I’ll never date another apostrophe. The last one was way too possessive.
36- The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
37- I’m close with 25 letters in the alphabet. I don’t know Y.
38- A general rule of grammar is that double negatives are a no-no.
Puns are History
39- Puns about the Civil War? I General Lee don’t like them.
40- Why were the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages? Because there were so many knights.
41- Why are there no knock-knock jokes about America? Because freedom rings.
42- If someone else flew first, it just wouldn’t have been Wright.
43- Why did Karl Marx hate Earl Grey? Because all proper tea is theft.
44- What’s a blackboard’s favorite beverage? Hot chalk-olate.
45- Why was the broom late for school? He overswept.
46- What subject do witches like best? Spell-ing.
47- What do snakes like to study? Hiss-tory.
For Harry Potter Fans
48- Harry Potter puns can Slytherin to any conversation.
49- I was going to make a Voldemort joke, but everyone nose it.
50- Why did Barty Crouch Jr. quit drinking? Because it was making him Moody.
51- Do you play Quidditch? ‘Cause you look like a Keeper.
Puns from a Galaxy Far, Far Away
52- If you can’t find a girl who likes Star Wars puns, you’re looking in Alderaan places.
53- How did Luke get around the Forest Moon of Endor after his speeder bike crashed? Ewoked.
54- Is BB hungry? No, BB-8.
55- Which program do Jedi use to open PDF files? Adobe Wan Kenobi.
56- When did Anakin Skywalker become evil? In the Sith grade.
57- What holiday is always late? Tardi Gras.
58- What holiday does Home Depot sponsor? Sink-o de Mayo.
59- What is the holiest of Islamic soups? Top Ramadan.
60- How do you repair a broken jack-o-lantern? With a pumpkin patch.
61- Why did they ask the turkey to join the band? Because he had the drumsticks.
62- What are Santa’s helpers called? Subordinate Clauses.
63- What did the doctor say to the gingerbread man? “I see you’ve got a sore knee. Have you tried icing it?”
64- What do you call Santa after he falls into a fireplace? Krisp Kringle.
65- What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has no L.
For the Hipster in Your Life
66- Where do you drown a hipster? In the mainstream.
67- How did the hipster burn his mouth? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
68- Why do hipsters only use microwaves? Because they don’t like conventional ovens.
69- How do you fix a broken brass instrument? With a tuba glue.
70- What do you call a group of musical whales? An Orca-stra.
71- Why did Mozart kill all his chickens? Because he asked them who the best composer was, and all they’d say was “Bach, Bach, Bach.”
72- A sheep, a drum and a snake fell down a hill. Baa-Dum-Tss.
The Men and Women in Blue
73- If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, is he busting a move?
74- Police were called to the daycare today. A three-year-old was resisting a rest.
75- Police station toilet taken. Detectives have nothing to go on.
76- Police jokes aren’t funny, so just give it arrest.
Pun at the Office
77- My boss asked me how well I knew Microsoft Office. I told him I Excel at it.
78- Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.
79- We call our office printer Bob Marley because it always be jammin’.
80- Statistically, 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.
81- Conjuctivitis.com is a site for sore eyes.
82- The conversation between the brain surgeon and the anesthesiologist was mind numbing.
83- Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine. But cats can.
84- When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
85- Why did the apricot invite the prune to the dance? Because he couldn’t find a date.
86- How is your long distance relationship going? So far so good.
87- It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
91- Hello, Precious
Some Final, Random Puns
93- I gave my dead batteries away. Free of charge.
94- When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof, I was shocked!
95- Two hats were hanging in the hallway. One said to the other, “You wait here, I’ll go on a head.”
96- What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
97- I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
98- I can’t believe they fired me from the clock factory after all the extra hours I put in.
99- PMS jokes aren’t funny. Period.
100- Why did the blind man fall into the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.
Which one is your favorite? Or do you have another pun you’d like to share?